One Thousand Oceans
by SlowGraffiti
Summary: [After Kingdom Hearts.] Cloud's stormy feelings towards the light that brings out his darkness.


**A/N:** This is set at the ending of Kingdom Hearts, so skip this if you haven't finished the game. However, I felt it was more appropriate in the FF7 forum, so there. Set to the song "1000 Oceans" by Tori Amos.

One Thousand Oceans

_these tears i've cried  
__ i've cried 1000 oceans_

Cloud glared at the door before him. Its weak wooden frame, which could collapse with a single strike of his fist, taunted him like nothing he had encountered before. After the tortuous months he had spent looking for her, after taking each lash and pressing on for the purpose of finding redemption in her mysterious smile, here was this simple structure serving as a last blockade. 

_and if it seems i'm floating in the darkness_

In his mind the final opponent that he would have had to defeat was nothing short of a gargantuan beast, maybe a terrible dragon, preferably the silver haired menace which ripped her from him in the first place. He was willing to tear down the heavens for her, to fight the gods themselves if that was what it took. Hell, he had already traveled to the depths of the underworld and sold his soul to its keeper in exchange for _her_. 

_well i can't believe that i would keep  
keep you from flying_

The darkness had blurred so many of his memories. So much light and laughter had been pushed out and replaced with murky strife. But there were moments which insistently shone through. Instances which held no real importance, but were all he held onto desperately - the way the sun would bring out the sparse golden streaks in her emerald eyes, the way her delicate fingers twisted her honey curls into a messy braid, the way she'd look at him when she thought he couldn't see her - such a searching, deep gaze. No, these images didn't keep him sane, they were actually the source of his insanity, of his unrelenting hunger to undo the past. 

_and i would cry 1000 more if that's what it takes   
__to sail you home_

He needed so much to see her again. To choke out an apology. To see her smile and find out that he had not ruined her completely. That smile was so close. There was just the simple detail of opening the hateful door in front of him. And for some damned reason this "final opponent" was his toughest yet. 

"Are you gonna stare at that door much longer kid?" 

Cloud frowned at the blonde pilot next to him. The mischievous gleam in his blue eyes told Cloud that he knew exactly why he was taking so long. Then again, there was no subject grave enough to save itself from Cid Highwind's sarcastic remarks. But underneath his scruffy demeanor he truly had a heart of gold. He was the one who found Cloud in his wanderings, who had informed him of two of their friends having found their way to Traverse Town, of _her_ safety. He was already on his way to Hollow Bastion and so Cloud was in Cid's ship in a matter of minutes, flying through the cosmos at a speed which could never be fast enough for him. 

_sail you home   
sail you home_

He took a deep breath, telling himself this is what he wanted, and slowly reached for the door handle. To his dismay and horror, Cid gave off an exasperated sigh and grabbed the handle first, muttering something about sparing him the melodrama, and opened the passage he had shed so much blood for. 

_i'm aware what the rules are_

The first thing he saw was an endless amount of books lining the wall of the room in front of him. A library then. Cid took the lead in stepping in, and was apprehensively followed by Cloud. His attention did not stay on the immense amount of books much longer, for standing but a few yards away from him was a group of three people. A tall stranger with brown hair cascading down his neck, the young ninja he recognized as Yuffie, and most importantly, there _she_ was. 

_but you know that i will run_

Dear God she was just like how he remembered her. The green in her eyes seemed to sparkle as they widened in happy surprise. Her lips curled up into that same knowing smile. Her long, brown hair still held the same style - its thickness barely contained in her braid. She had discarded her red jacket and her shoulders were bare underneath the straps of her dress. And she still carried that same, unmarred glow about her. He couldn't bear the pressure that built up in his chest from looking at her. Tilting his face downwards, he ripped his gaze from her and looked at his feet as they slowly carried him forward. 

_you know that i will follow you_

Suddenly he became very aware of what he had become. The claw hanging at his side grew heavy, the part where his black wing connected with his skin itched, and his shawl and cape felt unbearably hot. He wasn't anything like when she had known him. The façade of the hero had finally been destroyed and he was exposed as what he had truly been all these years - a puppet of darkness. Who did he think he was by looking for her anyway? What the hell made him think he had any right? Part of him expected, _wanted_, her to turn away from him in disgust. But he knew she would not. 

_over the silbury hill through the solar field_

As if in an answer, two brown boots stood before his black ones. Before he could look up, he was met with her face unbearably close. She was leaning forward, opening herself up to him, as always, prodding him to open himself up to her. Finally, he met her gaze and lost his breath. They stayed that way for a while, just locked in each other's vision and thought. His gaze full of regret, hers full of happy innocence. She looked at him as if they were simply old friends, as if nothing had ever happened, and as if that feeling threatening his composure was silly. 

_you know that i will follow you_

Carefully, she reached one of her hands from behind her back towards his face. His pulse was racing ten miles a minute. But when her skin finally met his, he was surprised at the emotion that ran through him - anger. He twisted away from her hand, scowling at her. 

"Cloud?" It was not the reaction she had been expecting either. She retracted her hand in mid air, and her expression turned to that of worry as she waited for him to explain. But he couldn't. He didn't understand why he was suddenly so angry, so repulsed. He quickly stepped past her to end the awkard moment. He shut his eyes a brief moment and took a deep breath. Then he walked towards Yuffie, Cid, and Leon who all looked quite confused. 

He nodded at Yuffie, "Nice to see you again." 

She only looked past him at Aerith for a second before pushing aside her puzzlement and beaming at him. "Yeah, totally, took you long enough to get here." While she introduced him to Leon, Aerith made her way towards the group and joined them as if nothing happened. Soon Yuffie was talking excitedly about what they'd gone through, and asking him far too many questions, and Cid joined in too to chastise her for her little exaggerations here and there. Cloud, Aerith, and Leon remained fairly silent - two because they were not talkative, the other because she was lost in her thoughts. 

After fifteen minutes of this Cid declared himself as being "damn hungry" and finding this a perfect opportunity to test out the grill he'd put in his ship's kitchen. 

"We were gonna set out of here tomorrow anyway, figure we might as well get a good meal in first. You guys ain't gonna believe how well this baby cooks. Prepare yourselves for the best damn burgers you ever tasted." 

They followed the captain out of the library and towards his ship. Yuffie kept jabbering on to Cloud while Leon and Aerith followed quietly in the back. 

"Are you all right?" Leon whispered to the pensive girl next to him. 

She nodded and smiled, "I'll be fine. I think he's just tired." 

As they all entered the ship, Cloud came to a halt. He scratched the back of his head and looked at Cid. 

"I'm actually pretty beat. I think I'm gonna skip out on dinner and just crash, if that's alright." 

Cid waved his hand in annoyance, "You don't know what you're missing out on kid." But Cloud's steely gaze crumpled his efforts. He pointed him towards the quarters and told him they'd be off in the morning. 

Cloud avoided all other eye contact as he turned and walked away. He tried not to embarrass himself by rushing off too fast, but thought it didn't matter since he'd done a good enough job of making himself look like a fool already. He shoved open the door to his room, slamming it behind him. His hand reached around to pull off his shawl and cape as he collapsed on the bed. 

_and if I find you, will you still remember  
playing at the train_

The image of the hurt in her eyes flashed before him. Oh, how he hated himself. What the hell was wrong with him? He'd toiled so hard to see her again, and when he did, he pushed her away in the worst possible way. He rubbed at the spot on his cheek she had reached for. Why had he been so angry when she touched him? She was just trying in her usual manner to be friendly. 

"Maybe she shouldn't be so friendly," he thought out loud as he shifted onto his side. 

"Maybe you should be a little friendlier." 

He sat up, startled at the voice at his door. He hadn't even heard her open it due to being so lost in his thoughts. Yet again, he averted his gaze from hers, looking down at the floor next to his bed. 

"Do you need something?" 

She slowly walked towards him, "I need to know what's wrong." 

He shrugged, "Nothing." 

To his surprise, she balled her hand into a fist and slammed it against the side of her thigh. "Damn it Cloud, I haven't seen you in so long, and that's all I get?" He couldn't look up at her, hating every fiber of himself for hurting her like this. 

"I'm sorry, Aerith, I just..." 

She shook her head and walked towards him some more, closing the space between them. The unhappiness in her face showed when he scooted away from her some and looked out the window instead of at her. 

"Why are you scared of me?" Her voice was barely a whisper. 

_or will this little blue ball  
fade away_

"Why do you act like nothing happened?" he spat back. Unexpected reaction. Before stopping himself he continued, "How can you be so readily forgiving? Don't pretend that you didn't..., that I didn't fail you." He placed his face in his hands, forcing himself to control the violent sensations her nearness was bringing out in him. 

"You didn't fail me Cloud!" 

He turned back to her in a flash, "You know I did! I couldn't help you, Aerith, I almost killed you myself!" 

She looked back at him with equal ferocity, "Has it _ever_ occurred to you that I knew what was going to happen? That I was okay with it? That I needed it to happen? That what happened wasn't a failure of yours but part of what I had planned on all along?" 

He stood up heatedly, and began to make way for the door, not wanting to deal with this. In a flash she was after him and grabbed his shoulder, stopping him long enough to get in front of him and block his way out. 

"Don't walk away from this," she warned, her emerald eyes burning with passion, "I need you to stop blaming yourself for what happened. Accept that what I did was my decision, Cloud." With every word she held him tighter and inched closer, wanting him so badly to understand what she was saying. 

_over the silbury hills through the solar field_

"No I _can't_ accept that, because when I do Aerith," he shoved her hands away from him, "When I do, I hate you. I hate you for leaving me when you knew, when you had to know, how much I..." 

Her eyes were glistening, both begging him to stop and finish what he was saying. 

With his head hanging, he turned his back to her, quietly finishing what he was saying, "How much I need you." 

"Cloud, I'm not perfect." He looked over his shoulder at her words, "I'm sorry that I'm not. If there was a way for me to have both served my role as a Cetra and as a woman in ... in ... love with you, I would've. But I had to make a choice, and I'm sorry that it hurt you. But it was the only way to save you." 

He cringed at her words, "Don't apologize to me." 

"I'm sorry Cloud, but you have to forgive me." 

_you know that i will follow you_

He grit his teeth, feeling his anger rise up in him again, "I said don't." 

She stood up and moved towards him again, "I never wanted to abandon you. You have to forgive me, Cloud." 

_i'm aware of what the rules are_

With a sudden show of speed he turned on her, and had her cornered against the wall, "Damn it Aerith, stop." 

She leaned against the wall, repeating exactly what he didn't want her perfect lips to spill out. Admittance that it was _she_ that left _him_. It had been so easy to accept that it was his fault, that she was an angelic victim in the midst of his storm. It had made it so easy to follow her, to hate himself instead of her. 

"You have to forgive me, Cloud." 

_but you know that i will run_

His fist connected with the wall next to her head. Then, defeated, he roughly pulled her to him, needing her more than ever. His torturer and his savior. That's what she was to him. She was the light that brought out his darkness, no one else had that power over him, and no one else ever would. He claimed her lips hungrily, locking her in a brutal kiss that reflected his feelings for her. Her hands wrapped around his neck, sifted through his hair, tugging and stroking whatever she met. His own arms were pressing her against him, almost crushing her as he took in each part of her that he could. 

Completely breathless, they broke the kiss, but remained only an inch from each other, their foreheads touching. He supported her weight against him, lest she fall back. 

"Forgive me too." This time he looked straight into her half closed eyes. When she leaned her face into his neck and he felt her warm tears wash his skin, he knew she already had. 

And in that moonlit room they drowned in each other's perfect imperfections. 

_you know that i will follow you_

**A/N:** Excuse the lack of pace, detail, and general quality in this piece. It was a total spur of the moment thing that came out of reading some Kingdom Hearts fanfiction. Hope it wasn't too painful to get through.


End file.
